To much chili

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[MgA]TiMeX
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To much chili

Post by [MgA]TiMeX »

>> I went grocery shopping recently while not being
>> altogether sure that said course of action was a
>> wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
>> prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my
>> patented "You're definitely going to mess yourself"
>> chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being
>> painful, which comes with a written guarantee from
>> me that if you eat the next day both of your butt
>> cheeks WILL fall off.
>>
>> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and
>> even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know
>> what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement
>> 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
>> through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable
>> to create the usual morning symphony referred to by
>> my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
>>
>> Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet
>> not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market;
>> a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in
>> search of tasty tidbits.
>>
>> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
>> I selected a cart and began pushing it about
>> dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I
>> was at the opposite end of the store from the
>> restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me
>> like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
>> referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always
>> seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is,
>> this pain was different.
>>
>> The habaneras in the chili from the night before
>> were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom
>> they bullied their way through the small intestines,
>> forcing their way into the large intestines, and
>> before I could take one step in the direction of the
>> restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
>> happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
>>
>> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,
>> suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of
>> which has never before been recorded. I was afraid
>> to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
>> escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed
>> to leave the lower part of my body, and I
>> began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
>> elderly woman turned into it.
>>
>> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to
>> see what her reaction would be to the malodorous
>> effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked
>> into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
>> different directions emotionally? Here's what I
>> mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able
>> to relate.
>>
>> I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I
>> simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and
>> apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
>> that all she could do before gathering her senses
>> and running, was to stand
>> there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
>> though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of
>> course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
>> laugh. Mistake.
>>
>> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
>> things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With
>> each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from
>> my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that
>> I was later told a
>> few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
>> someone was robbing the store and firing off a
>> shotgun.
>>
>> Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming,
>> and I raced off through the store towards the
>> restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
>> praying that I'd make it before the grand mal
>> assplosion took place.
>>
>> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got
>> to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God",
>> floating above the toilet seat because my butt is
>> burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
>> while I was in the middle
>> of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He
>> made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Oh my
>> God!", then quickly left.
>>
>> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my
>> partially filled cart intending to carry on with my
>> shopping when a store employee approached me and
>> said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
>> minutes. It appears
>> some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
>> The manager is going to run the vent fans on high
>> for a minute or two which ought to take care of the
>> problem."
>>
>> That of course set me off again, causing residual
>> gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff,
>> jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
>> and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
>> "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later
>> with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted
>> from the premises and asked none too kindly not to
>> return.
>>
>> Home again without having shopped, I realized that
>> there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I
>> consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop
>> at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that
>> because we are in court over the whole matter. They
>> claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
>>
}You can kill me but I'll only come back to haunt you{
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[MgA]ODEN
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Post by [MgA]ODEN »

lol :lol:
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