CHILI JUDGING CONTEST: A Texas Chili Contest

Funnies, Humor, Funny Pictures, Etc.

Moderators: [MgA]ODEN, Admin

Post Reply
User avatar
[MgA]ODEN
Site Admin
Posts: 1280
Joined: Fri Dec 19, 2003 6:01 pm
Location: Spring , Texas

CHILI JUDGING CONTEST: A Texas Chili Contest

Post by [MgA]ODEN » Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:25 pm

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.


They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the city park.


The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the
beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods,not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crap myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like crap to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[MgA]TiMeX
[MgA]Clan Captain
Posts: 1410
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2003 9:04 pm
Location: Iowa

Post by [MgA]TiMeX » Thu Jul 28, 2011 3:01 pm

LOL, nice.

I remember that from when you posted it waaay back. We lost it
when (someone who shall remain unnamed) decided to do a major
forum prune.

:cool:
}You can kill me but I'll only come back to haunt you{

User avatar
[MgA]RockCrusher
[MgA]Clan Captain
Posts: 1237
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2003 7:48 pm
Location: Toronto, ON CANADA

Post by [MgA]RockCrusher » Thu Jul 28, 2011 8:36 pm

[MgA]TiMeX wrote:LOL, nice.

I remember that from when you posted it waaay back. We lost it
when (someone who shall remain unnamed) decided to do a major
forum prune.

:cool:
Heeeeyyyyy....You can't be selective when you prune :razz:

Just like pruning a tree, sometimes you get the good branches along with the spindly ones.

5ouL
SPAMMER!
SPAMMER!
Posts: 64
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 3:04 pm
Location: earth

Post by 5ouL » Sat Aug 20, 2011 2:28 pm

wonderful :lol:

Post Reply